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Thu, Dec. 29th, 2011 03:14 pm
rhainus: Rain Box (Rain Box)
[personal profile] rhainus
 It's been awhile ever since the last time I wrote anything. The main reason is most likely my depression. I don't think I have one but I am mere inches away from having one. These last moments haven't been exactly happy.

Ever since Christmas day, I noticed that in my family, no one really cares about Christmas. I am atheist but I like to celebrate Christmas as a day to spend with my family. We do that, but it's nothing happy. Christmas Eve is happier than the Christmas Day itself. While I greet my family with Happy Christmas, no one cares. Really... Not a real thing to be so depressed about but nowadays, people don't care about spending time together as family. I myself admit, I am too shy and socially awkward but I loved the time I spend with my family.

I got my school grades and they were really lousy. It just gives me more will to stop going to school. I don't like my class, I only have two persons there I truly consider my friend, the teachers have their favorites and if you aren't one of them you might as well give up going to their classes, I don't like the area I choose, I don't like anything. I am very pessimist by itself but those things just make me want to give up on living. Unfortunately, I don't have enough courage to commit suicide. But maybe that's a good thing or else I would have killed myself a long time ago. Then again, maybe that would be for the best.

If I could go back, I would have thrown everything away and just gone into an art school. That's my dream but I know my parents would never allow it. After all, to them, I am merely a child who has to be perfect. It makes me really depressed when I see other people my age and younger go out with their friends, have fun with them while I am forced to live as the perfect. Do you know what it is to have a good grade, show it to your parents and instead of a "Congratulations", you receive a "you could have done better"? It's awful! It just makes you want to have F's and more F's!

As if that wasn't enough, I also am now forbidden of being more than 1 hour at the computer from next week forward. It's so awesome, isn't it? 

Because of all that and much more I don't even have the will to write about, I decided to stop writing in here so I guess my last entry will be this one. I just hope next year will be a better year.

PS: Reading this again, it really seems like my life is shit. But I know it isn't and that there are people in worst conditions than mine. I know that but it doesn't stop me from being selfish. We are all human, after all.
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HannakoKagamine

May 2012

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